There were a few unexpected changes for the important trip to Newcastle with Franny and Bruce amongst others pulling out at the last minute, but the Trees still took a strong experienced squad to the vital away fixture

(Dave suddenly realises we are going on a Stag Doo up and not playing a match and reverts to p1ss up write up mode)
We travelled up on “Black Friday” which was supposed to be the worst day to travel in the year and we were not helped by Deano’s attempts at navigation telling us “we had just passed Workshop” (Worksop) and that “we were coming up for Leamington Spa” when in fact we were approx 102 miles away from the Warwickshire Town. To be fair it also could have had something to do with the healthy supply of Stella on board, although it being Chunda’s least favourite drink of all time he set a new world record for taking 6 hours to finish 1 can. Claims that it gave him a headache even as he held it were perhaps exaggerated as was the claim that he had been holding onto the can for so long that the Stella inside had almost reached boiling point.
But the award for the funniest incident en route goes to Teflon who managed to tread in a big pile of sh1t whilst on a p1ss stop. Not only that but he actually managed to tread in human sh1t, as he placed his size 10’s in a nappy that was conveniently located in the Big man’s path.
As we approached Newcastle we followed Cloggsy’s directions to the hotel which from what I can remember consisted of a phone number......... of the Geordie Nightclub Tiger Tiger, which was of course no use at all when you actually want to locate the Travelodge at Metroarena, Gateshead.
Finally we got there and got on the beers early doors. Any hope of a nice easy introduction to proceedings for Drury were blown when Cloggsy 8 shots in a row which Drury necked one after the other. The club we stumbled upon had Coyote Ugly Birds feeding you Shots on a stage which to be honest certainly beat snorting sambuca (see Blackpool stag write up) as a stag task. We were in the legendary Bigg Market which on a Friday consists of Old Women, Fat Women, Fat & Old Women, Old & Fat..(ok we get the idea). There was also a few Hen and Stag Parties about, we witnessed one stag snog a complete Doris who Gravesy described as a “poodle” . Another description was “Pat Butcher”, although even that comparison seemed overly generous. Not even 8 shots could we see Drury doing anything like that.

The drinks came thick and fast at Drury who was by now sporting a glittery wig and Cowboy hat and when we got outside he started to wobble round like he had just gone 10 round with Lennox Lewis. A beggar unwisely chose this moment to ask for some spare change when she was promptly shoved out of the way with some force by Drury who had no remorse the following morning as he "couldn't remember doing it".

Dave came up with a unique Hangover cure for Drury by stuffing £10 worth of "talcum powder" into his mush, which made little impact after 15 shots and countless other Beers.

Unsurprisingly Drury was sick the following Morning and after Gravesy went on his 0.2 mile run we were ready for a full day session on the Saturday.

We took Phillipa out with us and dressed Drury in a Policewomans outfit. We expected a fight to get the outfit on him, but then we remembered that Drury actually likes putting on ladies tights and skirts, we could have done without seeing Drury's wedding tackle in fishnet tights though that resembled a string of sausages in shrink wrap.

The Merseyside Derby at 12.00 ensured that either the Best Man or the Stag was going to be an unhappy man. Drury was the first to cheer as Hyppia horrendously sliced into his own net. This goal also gave Woody the title of the most miserable man in the world ever to win £50 as he came up trumps in the corners game, before resuming his tirade of abuse upon Sissoko and Beneitez for picking him.

With the score now at 1v1 Chunda joked to Cloggsy that Rafa should take Gerrard off as he was running the show, only for Cloggsy to tell Chunda to shut up as that's just the sort of thing he would do. 5 minutes later a white faced Cloggsy was watching Liverpool's only decent player being subbed for an Argentinean winger who had contributed slightly less than nothing in his handful of appearances so far.

A late Kuyt penalty and an assault on Lescott in the area conveniently ignored later, the mood changed with Cloggys being a gracious winner by going up to Drury's face and laughing until his face turned red enough for someone to consider stopping laughing due to medical reasons.

Drury now had to complete a number of dares, including convincing a stranger he knew them, and best of all saying "I like your style" to a lady before blowing away imaginary smoke from his hand-pistols. The poor waitress he picked almost dropped her plates.

After watching the scores come in and Man Utd dismantle Aston Villa we got changed and wasted an hour and a half watching meatheads kick an odd shaped ball to each other before progressing to the lappy.

We were propositioned by one Female who was desperate to earn some money who tried all sorts of methods to get us to part with our money. Gravesy made sure she worked for her money by telling her to improve her sales technique while Chunda asked her would she pay for Chunda to dance for her. Jezza spent Cloggsy's monthly wages on a bottle of Champagne as the lads were entertained in style by with some fine women with more than a hint of silicon about them.The lappy certainly made their fair wedge out of BTFC as I remember turning around and seeing 9 empty seats where BTFC players used to sit….maybe they had gone to the bar?

As we walked out we overhead one dancer say "that's my mortgage payments sorted for the next 6 months".
We progressed onto a Club where we met up with a Hen Party who immediately put veils attached by hair clips on anyone within 10 yards of them, with Drury sporting a nice purple number. The clips are ok when you have some hair, but Chunda found that a p1ssed up fair Dublin lady was ramming hair the pins directly into his head drawing blood.

It wouldn't be a stag Doo if Woody wasn't battered and started doing stupidness and sure enough the week-ends drinking was starting to take it's toll as his legs started to go for walks when his body wanted to stay still. Woody was dancing and all of a sudden his legs would go off on one and nearly fall over. Instead of sitting down he merely incorporated the unexpected leg action into his 'dance routine' and carried on dancing.

With the lads starting to drift off it was time to leave but not before Jon decided to steal one of the Girls shoes for no apparent reason whatsoever. If you are reading this and want it back, I have no idea where it is but Room 313 of the Travelodge Metro Arena would be a good starting point, although seeing as it was from Barretts you may as well part with another tenner and get a new pair.

Out on the streets of Newcastle at 2am it's not a pretty sight and I'm not even on about Cloggsy walking round the streets with his shirt unbuttoned on this occasion. The Reserve Team Manager had seen Girls walking out of the Fire Exit throwing up and then walking back in again as though nothing had happened - Girls of Milton Keynes, we will never moan about you again.

In the 7 mile long taxi queue we were provided with some of the best entertainment of the evening with some kind Geordie lass offering us half her Burger which was so undercooked it looked like it hadn't even seen the hot plate let alone been cooked on it. The highlight was undoubtedly an unnamed BTFC player who tried to blag a Girl, the funniest thing wasn't that she looked like she had just come out of a Slipknot Concert, but the fact that she was with her not too small Boyfriend. Luckily for this particular person the Boyfriend was too busy trying to be beaten up by an even bigger Geordie who Jon described as "Andre the Giant".

Geordie Girls are known for being notoriously easy but nonetheless a certain BTFC player thought that using the chat up line "Do you want to come back to my hotel for Cuddles" and then just repeating the word "Cuddles" over and over again would do the job. We then realised he was too p1ssed to string sentances together which was why he shortened the sentance.

As the lads went to bed the tag team combination of Drury and Deano decided to boot down peoples doors until they opened up where upon they got beaten to a pulp. Jon and Chunda doublelocked the door which was in danger of being booted in, but Dave made the mistake of opening up and getting a kicking.

At 5am the lads decided that the door was not going to buckle and went to bed, however Chunda was unable to sleep as the words to Jezza's non-PC song reverberated around in his head over and over again.