The Annual BTFC 5-a Side Tournament was played on Tuesday indoor at Lord Grey, giving us a chance to run off those mince Pies from Xmas that are still hanging around the bellies of certain BTFC players. Officially this is the 2nd one, although that number is as dubious as the age of any African player in the Premiership (Newcaste's Obafemi Martins springs to mind - No way is he 22, I remember that player playing for Inter Milan in the 80's) as I have played in about 4 of these Tournaments myself. Anyway, the rules are the same Captains are carefully selected (usually anyone left after we exclude anyone with a rapist first touch), with Jon always being a Captain as he is the only one who takes being in goal seriously in these Tournaments.

Bruce's team (Igor Biscan Look-a-Likes) looked strongest on paper with a good mixture of defensive and attacking players and some Dirty B@stards in there for added measure. Jon's team (Safe Boyz) was the most interesting with absolutely no attacking players at all, in fact I don't think any of them has a goal between them this season and that also includes in Training.

Sure enough Bruce's team got off to a flyer beating Homer's team (Ball for Homer, Ball for the rest) 1v0, before thrashing Dave B's team (Kentucky Fried Chicken V) and Shandy's side (Kalibur V) 4v0 apiece. A curtain raiser to the expected final was next for Igor Biscan's Look-a-Like's with a game against the Safe Boyz. An annoyingly accurate finish by Shrek was the difference as Bruce's team won 1v0, Shrek was in full voice as his team looked set to win the Tournament and even worse that that Shrek was high in the Goalscoring charts.

The battle for 2nd place was a close one with Wigsey's team (Paula Radcliffe Appreciation Society) clinching it with a shock 2v0 win over Bruce's team in the Final Group Game. Homer's side recovered from losing their first 2 games to clinch 3rd. Despite having a team of defenders Jon's side started surprisingly well with 7 points from 9, but then like Man Utd's Title Challenge inevitably will, the wheels fell off with 2 defeats, but this was still more than enough for the last Semi Final spot.

I would like to say something positive about the bottom 2, but quite frankly I would be lying and my Professional Integrity prevents me from doing so. Shandy's outfit made a reasonable start with 2 useful draws, but then let's just say defending was not a priority for the next 2 games which saw comprehensive defeats. Prior to their final game they did collect more points than Dave B's side who couldn't even manage a full team due to another late appearance by Colin who's eventual arrival inspired them to heavy defeats, setting up a final showdown with the Kalibur V in the Yardley Challenge for the Dishonour of finishing last. With no defences present Dave B's side won 3v2 to avoid the Wooden Spoon with the losing team claiming a free transfer to Yardley Reserves to get a 10 min run out near the end of their matches when Bally gets knackered.

The Semi Finals started in contoversy as Shrek started throwing the toys out of his pram as they had to play 2 games in a row, appearing in the first Semi Final. Jon's team stunned the Favourites winning 2v1 with a thunderous effort from the magic left foot of Jez proving decisive, as Jez moved into joint 1st in the Goalscoring Charts with Spider and Shrek.

Their opponents in the Final were Homer's team who beat Wigsey's side 2v0 who like Shrek had peaked too soon (more Shrek Premature Ejaculation Jokes later). Despite playing the Final straight after their Semi, Homer's team won a surprisingly comfortable final with Russ suddenly deciding not to take 24 touches every time he got the ball and putting them 1v0 up and with the scores at 2v0 a late striker by Gilly wrapped up a 3v0 win.

With the current Top Scorers for all 3 BTFC teams present it would be an interesting race to see who got the Tournaments Top Scorer and it was won by........... erm a non BTFC player -Gilly (we can't even win Top Scorer in our own Tournament!). It was safe going to the Pub knowing that Shrek didn't win so we didn't have to endure his constant boasting, although we forgot Homer was equally as bad and he even claimed at some point that Evening that Helen Mirren's Oscar Nomination paled in comparison to wiining the BTFC 5-a Side Trophy. There was also much mileage in making jokes about Shrek always failing to progress after getting (to) a Semi.

Finally Thanks to Gravesy and Chunder for thei organisation (not much work got done that week at their respective workplaces), the Ref for Refereeing, Franny for reluctantly handing over the Prizes of Nivea Goodies after losing the final and all those for turning up.