Blackpool 04 - Chunda / Shandy Stag Double Header

Summary

No arrests (yet)

1 Riot van

Several acts of criminal damage

2 Acts of indecent exposure

Several cases of Liver damage

1 Rape charge (Dropped)

Thursday

The squad met at Pizza Hut where the writing was on the wall when Cloggsy was confiscating any drink without alcohol in it. Cloggsy then asked a waitress to replace them with beers – The next soft drink to pass anyone’s lips was probably about Sunday, unless you sneaked off to the fun fair. After about 3 slices of Pizza each (and they were the lucky ones) we made our way to Blackpool.

While some of the lads decided to take in some of the sites en route, the majority decided that the only sight they wanted to see was the bottom of a bottle of Stella.

Woody arrived in Blackpool already well p*ssed along with a few others – Franny played possibly the quickest catch-up ever and got p*ssed in about 30 mins after several aftershocks, double JD’s and Buds courtesy of his already wankere*d passengers.

By the time I got to the bar Franny was shouting “f*cking” several times really loudly in what was a family bar at 5.30pm. Already the hotel was starting to regret their decision to take our booking.

The first night on the Town is traditionally the Strip Bar Night (unless you are Jez who thinks that every night is), so Dave and Shandy were treated to the obligatory special stag strip show (Not that impressed with the routine, Shandy looked rather “miserable”) before making our way to Brannigans.

It was at this point Spider felt it necessary to demonstrate the Cha Cha slide – A bit worryingly good for our liking. If Spider felt that this would attract the ladies by showing that the big man had a sensitive side he would have been disappointed with the 2 grannies that were the only ones to join him. Picture a dinosaur kind of   stamping on the dance floor as hard as possible.

Only hours into the Stag Doo, Kev was already dancing on stage with his kegs down, then before we got kicked out we moved onto the Syndicate Club.

Woody was already entering semi-unconsciousness, relied on his trusty beer compass to get him home alone. The revolving dance floor caused much confusion to this by now dribbling bunch of lads.  

Some of the members of the squad got friendly with some of the locals (with one poor girl being subjected to 2 team members, although the performances were less than impressive as by the 2^nd one she told him to “hurry up”!!). One other fell asleep whilst the betamax ticked over.

Back at the hotel unluckily for the residents of room 118, we were only a few doors away which meant that every day after returning home in the early hours of the morning it was a ritual to bang on the door and shout “Got your number” before running away like naughty schoolchildren.

Despite it being the first night Shandy was battered and unable to find his room. Willis that good citizen not only found Shandy’s room but then got him a new card at reception then helped him in – The reward for his troubles? Shandy promptly Said  “f*ck off Willis” and slammed the door in his face.

Friday

Friday Morning there were no reported casualties except for Woody who was in the land of the Nod by 10.30pm after looking like he was trying to eat his pint of beer hours earlier. At breaky Just summarised the mood, when quoting to buddy Gus, “you’ve got more shakes than Mohammed Ali!”. Not before Shandy mistakenly thought the vinegar would go down a treat on his corn flakes.

If Shandy and Chunda thought that they had fulfilled their duties they were sadly mistaken, the pair was dressed in a girls pink top. I’m not even sure my bird could fit into, let alone me, some head gear and handcuffed together. Shandy was putting it lightly not happy about being handcuffed and promised to “Come out fighting” when he got out.

The Stags wear pink years before Homer started wearing it

The public of Blackpool are used to seeing some strange sites, but even by Blackpool’s standards the pair got some strange looks. The lads made it worse by leaving them in Yates’s on their own trying to eat lunch whole handcuffed together, which made them look as though they actually dressed like that for fun as opposed to being stitched up on a stag doo. Everyone was amused by this sight and as Shandy pointed out even a bloke with Downs Syndrome was taking the p*ss out of him. To make matters worse there was some mincer who was sat with us, who was obviously waiting to pop his date rape pill in their drinks.

Chunda accidentally pushed the handcuffs tighter which was causing his wrists to bleed, such was the sadistic nature of Franny and Jay this was not seen as any reason to stop the prank. With Shandy threatening to need the toilet ‘to drop the kids off at the pool’ as well, Chunda was now beginning to look for ways out of this mess.

With Shandy now in full rage mode the stags decided to get a cab to B&Q to hacksaw the cuffs off. The Taxi Driver was a great help and stated that “you can undo them” before then going on to backtrack and say “No you’re f*cked mate you need a saw for that”.  Had he not been required to take us to B&Q I think Shandy would have killed him at that point in time.

Franny then informed us that he had the key so we headed back to be freed up. After Chunda done a David Blaine and slipped out of his handcuffs (a trick that may come in useful if ever the Hotel press charges) the pair were allowed to continue on not attached to each other.

Impressing the ladies comes easy for Gandy, but after some tongue tennis, a shot of bogey flying out of his beak was truly memorable.  

It was at this point that Franny got quite excited when we bumped into some Nivea employees giving away free Deodorant products, however they were reluctant to let us help them after Chunda shouted out “Get your Nivea deodorant ladies – it made me a new woman”.

The Tower Lounge was next on the agenda with Hens and Stags getting invited on stage to do bizarre things like getting their pubes ripped out by someone’s teeth, luckily neither stag was called up for that!

The drinks were flowing fast, although not quite fast enough, so it was decided to do a dentists chair on the dancefloor, where Chunda & Shandy was plastered with champagne, beer and anything else the lads had at the time. As usual we couldn’t hit the target with most going up Chunda & Shandy’s nose.

The wifebeater juice starts to kick in

The drink was starting to take it’s toll and it was at this point Cloggsy went into the level of p*ssedness that causes you to drop pints – however against all odds Cloggsy showed the reactions of a cheetah and amazingly against all odds caught his pint, albeit with an amazed look on his face. Woody tried to emulate this feat with the predictable result of one smashed pint of lager on the dancefloor.

Woody also decided that snorting champagne would be a better way to intake alcohol, which led to Woody pouring about a litre of champagne onto his arm where he sniffed it up his nose. Jez arrived in 1.05 mins and ensured his board  status continued by buying every drop if tequila possible.

It was time to go back now & get ready for the night ahead.

It looked as though some of the lads might not make it out as Scott fell in his bath totally p*ssed out of his skull, with Cloggsy far too busy laughing to call for help.

At the Club there was one particularly fit Polish Girl that one of the lads took a shine to, and it looked as though he was making progress after talking to her for about an hour without any sign of a slap round the chops, however after talking to the person in question he said that she didn’t speak any English and all he got out of her was her name and that came from her mate.

Homer starts to feel the effects of 3 solid days drinking

It was a shame that Woody never made it out as he sounds like he know Polish, well that’s what they sound like after 7pm anyway.

When one member of the team returned back to the hotel he was delighted to meet a girl who wanted straight sex there and then and proceeded to remove her top. The episode turned into a nightmare when it became apparent that she wasn’t getting what she wanted and started to cry rape and ripped the shirt off him.

The player then showed an impressive turn of pace and proceeded to bang on everyone’s door for safe refuge, with again Willis coming to the rescue, but unfortunately not before knocking up an ‘Old Hag’ in the process.

Saturday

Chunda was suffering early doors and somehow managed to get a Diet Coke past his lips, but this behaviour was not tolerated for long as in Yates’s the Flaming Sambuca’s came out. Chunda came up with the not-so cunning plan of throwing his Sambuca over his shoulder, he might have got away with it had most of the contents not landed on Shreks shoes. The forfeit was to snort flaming Sambuca through the nose, with Shandy getting roped in as well.

The group split up with Jon worse for wear joining the lightweights for a game of bowling, while the rest of the lads were drinking Red Bull and Champagne as you do at 1.30 in the afternoon. Tower Lounge was the destination but some of the lads didn’t get in as the entrance was too small for Worsfold to get through.

By now Scott T had accepted his new nickname of “Shrek” and was sporting a Shrek bag, made for someone about half his size.

In amongst the drinking we did manage some food as we stopped off at a Pizza stall, there were some attractive ladies at the stall, Franny took a closer look (literally) as the lads lifted him up over the counter with the top half of his body dangling over the other side.

We moved onto Brannigans where Woody decided to take his top off, only to have about half the squad rake their fingers down his back and judging by the marks on his back it’s fair to assume that most don’t bite their nails.

It was all getting a bit messy as the lads decided it would be a really good idea to strip Chunda in the club – They got as far as getting his trousers down before intervention by the bouncer, but unfortunately there was no help on the outside as Chunda was stripped to his boxers, which were then ripped to shreds in the middle of Blackpool High Street at 4.00pm in the afternoon.

Shandy was stripped naked in virtually no time at all much to the amusement of the shoppers. It was then noticed that Chunda was still sporting some (ripped) Boxer Shorts so a Benny Hill style chase occurred on the streets of Blackpool with Deano deciding to chase Chunda. All I remember is running barefoot on wet streets away from Deano, on several occasions I was millimetres away from knocking over Grannies with their shopping bags as I slid on the wet floor with my *rse hanging out. I stopped to catch my breath once, and unfortunately chose a restaurant to do so and was faced with a restaurant full of people staring at my *rse – Many chose not to finish their dinner.

It was at that point that I realised even if I escaped I had nowhere to go and had to surrender. Despite the fact that I had given up Deano still found it necessary to give me a crunching headlock where I went back to the group and was stripped.

The only bit of football that took place at the week-end was from Just & Co who had acquired a football and started kicking the ball around in the bar area before being told to calm down by the Bar Manager.

This photo clearly was not an accident

Homer made the fatal mistake of getting some shut eye before the night out and didn’t wake up till 11pm, where he was greeted with darkness. 15 minutes later he was in Brannigans with a Smirnoff Ice and an aftershock down him. Best Man Chris and Deano didn’t make it out of their rooms, until Deano’s version of Superman was needed to confront the security guards at 3am, with a semi going on.

The Trees in Blackpool had brought the celebrities to Town with none other than the “Crafty Cockney” being witnessed drinking in Brannigans.

Juzza goes for the cowgirls

 It’s fair to say the hotel got a bit of a pasting as the Trees returned back to base, Shandy managed to damage a fire door by running into it, Just overturned a table in reception - rock star fashion, the vending machine had been damaged and Homer had been pinned down to the floor for the crime of buying 2 packets of crisps and had the crisps poured all over him also in the reception area.

Jez meanwhile, was treated to the sight of Woody tugging at his lovepiece, rather than cover up, Woody simply asked if he could carry on when Jez next left the room.

The last of the stragglers to return home were met by security at 5am who then reeled off a list of damaged property along with stating that every single resident had complained. Some of the incidents had been caught on CCTV, however this did not concern Jon who asked if we could borrow the footage for our website.

Sunday

As we woke up we were greeted by the sight of a riot van in the Hotel Car Park. The police left without any arrests. As we drove off Chunda’s face appeared to be stuck to the car window like Garfield, although I daresay he was not alone.

Homer looked to have suffered brain damage when he decided to crack open a beer on the way home much to the dismay of the others in the car.

Another vintage Trees end of season do over with and several marriages cancelled until they leave the Trees.