Nottingham 2002

With one week until the new season, most clubs would be off to health farms measuring body fat index, the Trees predictably drank until they were sick / fell over on a p*ss up in Nottingham.

The Trees traveled in style, except for Franny who usually travels everywhere in a 10 seater limousine, but for the rest of the squad it was a taste of the big time, Cloggsy particular lapping it up; a fag in one hand, Champagne in the other, WKD awaiting to be guzzled, legs spread on the leather in a true rock star show, who said the lad from Beanhill wouldn’t come to much?

Ken the driver was top man but had he have witnessed Woody's Dukes of Hazzard style exit from the limo he may well have been moodier than Jon after a bad back pass from the defence. Incoherent as you might expect Woody to be after 3 beers, he decided he would get out of the limo to the roar of his adoring fans, he thought the limo was stationary and it was just his head that was spinning, but in actual fact the limo had not stopped moving yet. As he attempted to get out, all but he realised we were still traveling and the gleaming white door was nearly ripped off onto a parked car. That was a hell of a lot closer than most of Woodys efforts on the football pitch.

Not particularly sure what was really going on, Woody celebrated by throwing his Bud into the bin, no surprise as he missed and the glass shattered in front of another car.

Next stop Nottingham and the highly reputable Conrads. Lots of good scenery, plenty of wedge flying around and more men then women, it was initiation time for Teflon. Jon had always dreamed of playing football like the stars in the Nike advert in the cage, well Jon ended up in the cage this time, but in Conrads with Chris’s belt round his neck and lacerations to his ars*. Jon didn’t seem to mind however as the whippings had been administered by 2 scantily clad ladies who were riding horseback style on our keeper. During the course of the visit Tef managed to drop his drink and almost blamed the defence.

In the next bar Tef kidnapped a raggy doll look-alike (A snogs a snog when you’re lardy and you've got boy band hair) but during the course of the evening Jon managed to cut his hand on a glass, Cloggsy got some bird to believe they were insured for £1 million pounds, however this looked less than convincing when the damage was patched up with a blue plaster.

Jon went off with his new bird(?) until about 2am, which proved nothing in comparison to Billy?!? Woody proved how easy it was to pull as he managed to go off with a meat loaf of a girl, not surprised? Well Woody was lying on a table half asleep at that moment in time and every word he uttered seemed to have 24 syllables.

Chris kept up the tradition of a Trees player falling by the wayside in the alcohol stakes by getting battered Woody style but with less experience in getting pis*ed Trees style, Chris was always going to struggle.

Cloggs, never one to drink, was out of the club first and went for a ride in the Limo whilst waiting for us to fall out of the club. He even convinced some locals he was Joe Cole. Damian also took the opportunity of giving one lucky Nottingham lass chance of a shag in a limousine, only for her to blow the opportunity when accidentally pissing on herself (classy bird!), dribbling skills that Damian did not appreciate.

As we departed the club, Ken wasn't to be seen, nor Chris. Tef re-appeared and gave us some b*ll*cks about going back to a hotel with the raggy doll.

Woody then came across a drunk rolling round in his sick (Woody can relate to this), whereas most people would either ignore, laugh or help the man in question Woody saw an opportunity to get some free fags and nicked the drunkards smokes.

About an hour later, Chris was still nowhere to be seen, but then at last Cloggs and Tef assisted the missing one back to the waiting party. Chris (now Bus-Stop Billy) was most annoyed no-one had phoned him to wake him up, what he had failed to mention was that the pin number had not been entered on his mobile.

Before the limo left one nosey Nottingham lass decided to have a butchers in our motor which resulted in her hand being stuck in the shut door.. Franny's help was to start talking in a whippet Northern accent.

The journey home was not so eventful, with the combined age of nearly 60, the 2 Jason's amused themselves by putting Ice on fellow team-mates genitals who dared to fall asleep. The second part of the trick was to claim they had p*ssed themselves upon waking up. After several beers this childish prank seemed like the funniest trick in the world. The night wouldn't be complete without a bit of yacking from someone. Avoiding the £100 fine, Billy rolled out of the Limo and gave the pigeons some breakfast by chundering on the pavement, with timing that would have impressed Worby no doubt.