Dublin - Gaffa's Stag 2002

Brum

The first leg of the journey was a tough one for the Gaffa, who could have been forgiven for heading back home instead of facing 3 more nights of similar action.The team tried to blend in with the locals by saying “alright skip” in a high-pitched voice and shouting abuse at everyone. Woodsy calmed down a bit with the abuse after Cloggsy wisely pointed out that Birmingham had a big gun problem. Predictably the team started off at a local Lapdancing club where the Gaffa broke Jez’s record for the number of lap dances in one night, unfortunately for the club, he was under the impression they were “on the house” which meant that the lapdancers went around various members of the party looking for payment, needless to say the lapdancers ended up with as much money as Cloggsy a week before pay day. The Gaffa always said the Trees should be performing on a bigger stage, but on this occasion it was the Gaffa on stage surrounded by scantily clad ladies who plastered the Gaffa with lipstick.

The drinks were taking it’s toll by now and the Gaffa decided that it would be a really good idea to start jumping on peoples heads, resulting in a suspected fractured neck for Chunder and a dislocated shoulder for Wigsey. Amazingly we had not been chucked out by now, but decided not to push our luck and move on elsewhere.Paulo recommended a good night spot which he frequented as a teenager, only to find out that the club had closed down, by the looks of it many years earlier. Steve and Pat met a distressed local on the way to our next drinking venue, who had spent all her money and was looking for money to get home. Sensing an opportunity Pat & Steve offered her a few drinks and to share a cab on the way home, only for the girl to turn down the kind offer saying that the last time she shared a cab she was raped. Even Jedi Master Shagger Steve A knew that this was going nowhere and left but amazingly Pat continued to try and blag the girl.Onto another club and this time it was the Gaffa’s turn to be scantily clad as Gravesy’s work mates took the song “It’s getting hot in here” a bit too literally as when it got to the bit “so take off all your clothes” they ripped Gravesy’s shirt off his back, leaving him with 1 button on his Hugo Boss shirt which was already covered in lipstick.

Dublin

Thursday

It was clear what the priorities were in Dublin for some of the team, when if anyone had reasonable success talking to a woman (5 mins without being slapped was the general rule) he was quickly surrounded by others trying to muscle in on the action.

Freddie actually managed to a pull a bird who was “f*cking top draw” and pulled out all the stops trying to get a snog, pulling out an engagement ring from his pocket, proposing to the girl and later it looked as if he had even tried a date rape pill on her as she was collapsed under the club stairs, but Freddie was denied any reward for his monumental efforts.

Chunder came up with a great male bonding technique, calling for high 5’s everywhere he went although the locals were somewhat reluctant to join in with this very strange practice.   Shandy was on top form with the dancing and decided the whole club should be treated to his moves by climbing on the podium, normally reserved for professional dancers. After 5 mins of respectable dance moves, he started dancing like he was stirring a large bowl of porridge and was eventually put out of his misery and was asked to step down from the podium.

Friday

Friday was a Leo Sayer and would see the first casualties of Total Carnage 2003. The plan for the day was drink and then drink some more.  We met up with a Welsh group early on and joined in some of the activities until they started games such as drinking Brandy, not in itself that unusual, until they said that it had to be snorted through your nostril with Chunder and Drury having a go at this strange activity. The double parked rule was then brought into effect.  Poor Buddah was always going to be caught out on this rule since he drinks WKD’s 2 at a time, thus the smallest man of the group ended drinking about 3 bottles to most peoples 1. The lads went into hostile territory in Temple Bar as the Welsh were singing anti-English songs. Shandy, now well p*ssed up went straight into them and started a solo version of “Swing low sweet chariot”, none of the rest of the group were p*ssed / mad enough to join him, preferring to sing it in a safer location in the bar.

Trees appeared to have won this battle as the Welsh quickly dispersed, although it was later found out to be one of Deano’s potent farts that done the trick. It was time for a stroll around Dublin, with Gravesy dressed in his normal week-end attire of a veil / bra and knickers, Gravesy was caught on camera in this state by the paparazzi who had followed us to Dublin, we were eargerly awaiting the ensuing story in the News of the World.

There were several casualties on getting back to our hotel to get ready for the night out. Shandy looked a goner as he lay motionless on the bed, but after just 2 minutes of light persuasion he had his best shirt on and was coming out with classic lines such as “If any girl turns me down, it will be the worst career move she has ever made” and “I have to say that I’m the best looking nickelpiece in this team”. Buddah, meanwhile had suffered too badly at the double parked rule and after spending 3 hours on the phone to his missus he lay in a bath for approx 2 hours. When asked if he was coming out the response was always “I’ll be there in a minute”. After waiting a couple of hours for him Franny went up only to find out that he was still laying in the bath, except that now there was now no bath water. When Franny asked if he was coming out he got the usual Buddah response of “in a minute”, when Franny pointed out that he had been saying that for the last 2 hours Buddah responded with a classic line “Yeah but there was bath water in here last time”, predictably he never made it down.

First stop was the Fireworks club, Woody was struggling at this early stage with the doormen suggesting he have something to eat to sober him up, but he was eventually let in. We ended up at “Copper Faced Jacks” nicknamed “Slapperjacks”, it became obvious why by the end of the night as the place was packed out with young girls still orgasmic over that Shandy look-a-like Justin Timberlake who was in concert.

Steve A was on the hunt for women as usual and was managing to pull better looking birds as the night went on, judging by the improvement from the 1st to the 2nd,  to the 3rd, had there have been one more, she could have been of supermodel material. What he wasn’t so hot on was pulling birds who actually lived near Dublin as he found out when his quest for a sh*g resulted in a 20 mile taxi ride out of Dublin.

Wigsey was getting distressed having not spoke to his girlfriend for at least 30 mins and went outside the club to speak to her on his mobile phone. This was not a good idea when the location of the club is in an area twinned with Fishermead and he was smacked on the nose by 2 lads who fancied his mobile phone.

Saturday

There were a fair few hangovers in the morning, Steve arrived back in the fold having caught an early flight back to Dublin, having found out that the “Honest, we can sleep top and tail” line also works in Ireland. The lack of sleep was catching up with the lads, with most of the group possessing eyes like Woodsy’s. The only bit of sightseeing planned (The Guinness factory) was abandoned for games of pool and sleep. The left handed drinking rule was introduced on the night out, Drury was an early victim who was forced to down a whole pint. Gravesy was going to get p*ssed left hand drinking or not as he had several shots in addition to the vast amounts of drink. Several standing counts were administered and a few to Jay who opted to show he could drink on, not by putting his gloves up but by swinging a punch at whoever administered the standing count.

Freddie was going after the girls as usual and after being blown out was comforted by the words of Cleetus who said “Welcome to my world”. The left handed drinking rule was proving difficult when getting the beers in, Chunder had to try and carry 5 drinks with one arm, while the other arm remained free, much to the amazement of the locals who were wondering why the hell the strange Englishmen wasn’t using his other arm.

Steve A thought that his Jedi Master Shagging powers had failed when he reverted back to his unusual pulling technique of looking really p*ssed  and hanging off the bar. No sooner had he taken up this position then he pulled again, which involved another 3 figure taxi fare.

Woodsy and Drury made a fleeting appearance at the club before going into Trees mode and hanging round the bar at the hotel.

Sunday

 It was time for the team to reflect on a successful trip, J commented “It seems like ages ago we met up in Pizza Hut”, much to everyone’s amusement Shandy agreed, despite the fact that he was one of the few that never met up at the Pizza establishment. So it was staight back to MK on returning to Brum, unless you happened to be in Chunders car that went through that well known shortcut called Nottingham (35 miles north of Birmingham).

When you look this bad it's time to go home