Bournemouth 2002

Trees took a strong squad to Bournemouth for the end of season tour but with the club failing to arrange any fixtures for the tour, there was no option but to drink all day instead. The lads were kitted out in new “Trees on tour” shirts kindly donated by wealthy local businessman and part time full back Franny Drake. The piss up was also partly funded by Chunder’s winnings in the prediction league, which he held in his hand for all of 5 seconds before finding it’s way behind the bar, but at least he got to see it unlike Aaron’s half which suffered a similar fate, which was deemed punishment for failing to attend this vital club event.

The team’s reputation had managed to spread as far away as Dorset as the lads were refused entry to a lot of bars. The barman at one particular pub failed to see the amusing side of Woody’s attempt to get in as he took off his Trees shirt in response to the “No Football Shirts allowed” policy.

Cloggsy also showed his sensitive side by parting with 2 quid to a down and out scouser for some Ben Sherman socks which no doubt were illegally “removed” from Debenhams only 2 hours before the transaction took place. The socks were never used for their intended purpose, with Woodsy deciding to put them over his trainers and with others using them as glove puppets to order beer with. Drury arrived with S Club 7 still ringing in his ears from the journey and immediately becoming the pool champion due to the fact that his opponents were now struggling to see properly, as the beer count was increasing.

The Trees publicity officer would have cringed as the lads openly allowed their picture to be taken with 2 renowned local homosexuals, with the team only realising the error of their ways upon spotting one of the shirtlifters with an earring and a babycham in his hand. It was no surprise when the after-shocks came out and Wigsey had to be physically restrained from legging it in fear.

Despite the drinking session the lads were getting lots of attractive female attention in the evening, although predictably the team had to pay for it as it was in the lap-dancing club Spearmint Rhino.

The lads continued the session late into Saturday morning but at breakfast time Dave Lee was struggling with the pace and found staring into the hotel toilet for 5 hours a better option that resuming beer drinking with the rest of the team. Woodsy and Wigsey discovered that there was no way they could persuade Dave out as he threw up in front of them for the 7th time.

The lads were full of sympathy and administered that well known remedy for a hangover called a 9-man bundle. Shandy arrived and escorted Dave out to rejoin the group who had now christened Dave, Chunderlee. Other nicknames that were rejected were Gay Chunderlee and Shandy which was offered by Kev desperate to offload his non-desirable nickname.

The lads had continued their cultural tour by visiting “For your eyes only”, the Trees were not disappointed to find that this was not a James Bond tribute bar but in fact another lap dancing establishment. Even Wigsey joined in this time although he sustained a severe case of eyeache due to not wanting to miss a second of his lapdance by blinking, this left Dave Lee as the only team member not to enjoy a lapdance causing one of the girls to question his sexuality.

Not for the first time Woodsy was struggling with the beers as he unwisely refused dinner for more beer and had the legs of a Mike Tyson opponent by 10 o clock. Woodsy put in a brave performance and even managed to achieve getting thrown out of Jumping Jacks 3 times, once for stage diving, before finally succumbing later on. Woodsy still had enough sense to tell a taxi driver to “F*** off” when asked for double the normal fare.

But for all the rest of those who made it to Bournemouth the word taxi will bring back memories of Shandy’s outburst of “Ooohh’s “ in the taxi queue whilst talking non-stop b*llocks for over an hour much like Terry Fuckwitt out of Viz comic.

Jez also got a bit loud after a minor disagreement broke out between 2 blokes in the queue. It was quite obvious that neither of the blokes fancied a proper fight and resorted to shoving each other, however Jez wanted blood and shouted out “Come on then you fairy w*nkers” several times before being physically restrained.

It was a hung over looking Trees that departed home, with the most memorable moment being the gaffer asking the poor kitchen girl at a service station for a “Five item nutter” when requesting breakfast items.